Monday, January 08, 2007

Office Restroom Etiquette

Come on! You think other people don't notice? How ignorant do you have to be to think, "Well no one is directly looking at me so I'm going to skip that step."

Or those strange noises coming from within your stall. Yes, we all notice that. And like the bunch of little school girls that we are, we gossip about it.

Fob: "Have you ever heard $@#% making these noises?"
Coworker: "Yeah! What the hell is that? I've had to use the toilet after him and it seemed like he was trying to put out a fire."

These are just some of the things one would notice when not given enough work. You tend to wander and be focused on things that do not really pertain to your job.

But because of my unique diet of eating and drinking certain things that make me drop a higher amount of deuces and urinate like my nuts are going explode, I tend to be in the restroom often. And by being in there frequently, I often become aware of the tendencies certain coworkers have.

For instance, there is a surprising large number of coworkers that I refuse to shake hands with. Why? Well I know where that hands have been and when they should have been washed.

Another thing I find to be dirty, I blame their mothers. But we don't need any surprise gifts left in the toilet after you use it. I don't jump up in glee when I find a toilet with a log in it, nor when it is pre-made lemonade color. I'm just not that kind of guy who appreciates these kinds of presents.

Although these behaviors I don't condone, I do understand. The weirdest thing which to this day still puzzles me is the slapping noises a certain coworker makes when using the stalls. I mean, that's just not normal. Either he's spanking it or furiously fighting to tap that last drop out of his tool. But whatever it is, I know it's not good for his health or his career. Because I know most people refuse physical contact with him.

So beware your actions in the head. If you forget to wash or flush, or you just insist on playing with yourself while on the clock. Big brother is watching.... Well, not watching. I'm not spying on anyone or anything like that. Really... I'm not.


At 11:57 PM, Blogger mojo shivers said...

January! Damn!


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