Ghetto FOBulous

Memoirs of a Fobby

I wasn't born into the life of a fob. Growing up I played baseball. Ate hotdogs. Did what any regular American boy would do. But as I got older I noticed my environment was slowly changing to the one I know now. The white man moved out, the yellow man moved in. And the more I became aware about it, the more I realized... I want to be a fob.

Eating at Denny's and Coco's became a past time as my friends and I would start showing up at the local Chinese cafe. Common problems would occur while dining like, "What are these forks and knives you speak of?!?! Give me some chopsticks!" Starbucks? No thanks. Lets go get some boba. Extra balls please...

Even in school, my heritage gave me the ability to do well overall, but I failed all my English classes and passed calculus when I was 9 just to fit in. It was a difficult sacrifice but I knew it was something that had to be done. Just like my civic duty... Not to vote. Asians cheat on their taxes and pay under the table anyway. We don't care about American politics. But my civic duty to watch The Last Samurai and Joy Luck Club. I was there opening day proudly sporting my "I <3 Japan" t-shirt. It was a proud day for all us yellow folks...

But there were difficulties. The round-eyed people didn't make it easy. I would get compliments like, "You drive really well for an Oriental." So I would intentionally get in car accidents and drive really slow blocking their way. That quickly raised my fob status as they would pass me up, honking and flipping me off.

But that defeat they would not take lightly. Their revenge was a hardship I struggled to overcome. They would send every slanted eyed male's weakness... Blondes with big huge breasts. A thing every Asian wants. Men and women. They would talk to me, drunk, stupid, and horny, and all I would have to do is take them back to my place. The scent of mothballs would ensure the rest... But I could not give in! As much as I wanted to rub my face between those big fat watermelons saying, "Ahlalala, ooh-ga-boo-ga, gigiditty, gigiditty, gigiditty!!!!" I restrained myself and stuck to what I deserve... A-cups.

This was my destiny. They told me I can't be a fob. They told me my eyes are too round. But I wanted a life I can call my own! I wanted to be a fob...

posted by Ghetto FOBulous @ 10:20 AM