Ghetto FOBulous

Grocery Shopping with FOB

As a mother of three, my womanly duties require me to buy groceries every week or so. And because I'm a fob I tend to go to the local Marukai market by my house for the food I like. At least that's part of the reason. The other underlying reason is because almost every time I go there I see hot fobs. Yeah, they don't speak a word of english and their teeth are all F-ed up. But hey, I can look past that. Or I call it "looking past that" but really I mean, those damn ho's don't talk to me anyway so it's not like it makes a difference.

That is until today! Hehe... I guess luck would have it, Javi's (Ask him about the frozen chicken) sharing his grocery store charm with me. Because here I am looking at all the different kinds of japanese sauces trying to figure out what the hell is what. I pick up a bottle of what I think is a miso sauce when I hear, "Oh, dat's rearry good with eggprant."

At first I was caught by surprise, so I turned to look who said that and there stands a tiny, 90 lb., J-pop girl with the funky multi-colored hair, and super pale skin. I stare at her for a moment with a stupid look on my face because I'm still shocked someone's talking to me, and then I notice her name tag. I think to myself, oh she works here. And then I think a bit more and it starts to occur to me, she's pretty cute. (If Will made my checklist of qualifications, I could have ran down them faster and got a quicker approval, but that's in the works.) And before long I realized, wait a minute, I haven't said anything yet. Say something stupid!

"Oh, um, um, yeah, it is?" T_T Way to go pimp daddy, I think to myself. So before she can say anything I try and recover and say, "Haha... (<-Marketing Guy Laugh) I don't even know what this is! You work here right? (<-Obviously, stupid...) I cook a lot for my roommates (<-Showing the qualifications) and I was trying to look for something to make soup with. Can you help me out?" Hmm... that didn't sound too stupid. I think I'm still okay here.

She replies in a typical, shy little obedient asian girl response, "Oh, dat's more for stir fry. You try dis." She hands me a bottle of some other crap I can't read. I look at it like an archeologist reading hieroglyphs, trying to find some english on there that says what it is but alas, there is none. So I ask, "Um... what is it?" And she replies smiling, "ah;sdfbnaso;rghiagiohn." O_o At this point, I'm thinking what the hell did she say? But my game is slowly going down hill and I don't want to seem dumb and tell her I don't understand her engrish. I scramble in my head to find something clever to say so this conversation can continue. I'm searching, panicking, and finally I think fuck it, "Um... oh cool thanks." T_T

She smiles again and says, "Yur welcrome!" and then goes on her way. And that's when the mental beat down starts. I'm kicking myself in my head, which is basically when my penis starts talking to me.

FOB's penis: *sniffs* Hey you smell that? Is that a j-pop girl? Wait it's leaving! Go get her!
FOB: Yeah dude, I tried. But my game sucks. She's walking away.
FOB's penis: Well then go after her and get me some play! You know how long it's been since I've gone cave exploring? You haven't gotten me any action since 1982!
FOB: Shut up man, it's not that easy.
FOB's penis: You know what? If I weren't your penis, I'd kick you in the nuts!
FOB: Yup. Keep it up, and I'll stick you in a big black man's ass!
FOB's penis: :( Sorry, sorry. I'll just wait here and watch myself shrink.

And that my friends is how I go grocery shopping. It's interesting and sad at the same time... :( Did she like me? Who knows... Maybe she just wanted to help the dumb round-eye find what he wanted. I guess that's a mystery better left unsolved...

posted by Ghetto FOBulous @ 10:50 AM