Monday, January 08, 2007

Office Restroom Etiquette

Come on! You think other people don't notice? How ignorant do you have to be to think, "Well no one is directly looking at me so I'm going to skip that step."

Or those strange noises coming from within your stall. Yes, we all notice that. And like the bunch of little school girls that we are, we gossip about it.

Fob: "Have you ever heard $@#% making these noises?"
Coworker: "Yeah! What the hell is that? I've had to use the toilet after him and it seemed like he was trying to put out a fire."

These are just some of the things one would notice when not given enough work. You tend to wander and be focused on things that do not really pertain to your job.

But because of my unique diet of eating and drinking certain things that make me drop a higher amount of deuces and urinate like my nuts are going explode, I tend to be in the restroom often. And by being in there frequently, I often become aware of the tendencies certain coworkers have.

For instance, there is a surprising large number of coworkers that I refuse to shake hands with. Why? Well I know where that hands have been and when they should have been washed.

Another thing I find to be dirty, I blame their mothers. But we don't need any surprise gifts left in the toilet after you use it. I don't jump up in glee when I find a toilet with a log in it, nor when it is pre-made lemonade color. I'm just not that kind of guy who appreciates these kinds of presents.

Although these behaviors I don't condone, I do understand. The weirdest thing which to this day still puzzles me is the slapping noises a certain coworker makes when using the stalls. I mean, that's just not normal. Either he's spanking it or furiously fighting to tap that last drop out of his tool. But whatever it is, I know it's not good for his health or his career. Because I know most people refuse physical contact with him.

So beware your actions in the head. If you forget to wash or flush, or you just insist on playing with yourself while on the clock. Big brother is watching.... Well, not watching. I'm not spying on anyone or anything like that. Really... I'm not.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Happy my liver didn't explode year

I don't know if this is more of a celebration of the coming year or surviving the last. But I treat New Years Eve as more of the ending of a year than the beginning of a new one.

Sure, compared to some of my friends whose blood consists of Patron, Old English, Bud Light, and the charcoal filtered vodka from Albertsons, it may seem like I don't drink that much to worry about liver and kidney issues at this age. But to your average human being, or at least my coworkers who pretty much don't enjoy passing out in the gutter, they tend to think I drink more than I should.

It's probably because I come in to work claiming about back pains after drinking which supposedly are not back pains but kidney or liver pains. It seems those organs are struggling to filter out all the crap I consume.

So this New Years Eve I feel especially proud of myself. My liver didn't explode! I still have both my kidneys! Yea! And I still had a good time...

Which is why for the new year I think I do need to make a resolution. And not like those "resolutionists" who show up at my gym in the coming month who hog up all the spots and then give up after a few weeks. I think for the sake of my health I need to drink less.

Aside from that, I need to try harder to be more of what I want to be, and try harder at not becoming what I used to be. Thinking back on the choices I've made, when I was the tool, the abused, the bitch, I don't want to let myself resort back to the person I was. Nor am I okay with where I am at now. I have to better myself.

My only advice, "Work harder Fobby! Be smarter! Be more creative! Sit on their faces..."