Friday, April 21, 2006

Brokeback Japan part 2

We arrive in Kyoto late that evening. For me, I've been up for almost 24 hours straight and am ready to pass out. But it's alright. I'm on vacation. I don't have to go back to the hell hole of an office for one whole week.

I can easily fall asleep, but I knew Jwang wanted to go take a look around, so we take off to hit the streets. We exit the hotel to be blasted by this cold breeze. It felt like the ice age just sneezed on me. My nipples were sharp enough to cut glass. Seriously... I was cold. Jwang, noticed my shivering and offered his scarf. Now normally, I would never take another man's clothes unless I was jumping him in a dark alley. But instead of freezing to death, I humbly took his scarf and wrapped it around me. My nipples finally relaxed and as I started to feel better, I noticed the scent of Jwang on his scarf. The smell of mothballs and kung pao chicken was saturated with it. Oddly enough... I found it arousing but thought nothing of it. Maybe I was hungry for chinese food... Maybe I was hungry for... nevermind...

The rest of Kyoto went by uneventful. Being caught up in the history and naturalism of Japan, it's hard to remember the Great Chink of China followed me to Kyoto. Or maybe I was just in denial. I didn't want to think about what I was really thinking about! Tasting that dim sum with some wasabi dressing...

Finally, Tokyo. It's best to do the touristy thing first and then party like a porn star? Or was it rock star? Well in either case, I think someone is getting drunk and laid. Not necessarily in that order.

So it's off to go kick back a few. We head off to this party district where all the bars and clubs are. "Lets go see how these Japs drink," I think. "Will I be able to hang? Will Jwang drink too much and throw up as usual? It's time to find out!"

As suggested to most foreigners, the place to go is GasPanic. I'm assuming it's where all the white boys go to get their yellow fever fix. Anyway, we're there. Drunk. Horny? Not quite. But open to suggestions. The crowd is domestic with a hint of international influence. It's obvious though that people are there to meet people.

We take a couple of shots with the Russian bartender, do a lame dance routine with the sumos, and say insulting "massagy my cha-ji" statements to the korean girls. I say to Jason, "Hey tell those Japanese girls over there to sit on your face."

We laugh and he responds, "Nah, F-that! You do it."

The eyes rollover as I say, "You little bitch... I'll sit on your face if you keep it up..."

And quickly the laughter stops. Jay responds, "Go ahead I don't think you will." And as those words leave his lips, it's as if the whole bar freezes. Our stares are now locked in almost a contest to see who's bluffing. Maybe I am. Maybe he is. Or could it be we're both telling the truth. That perhaps one of our faces will soon be smothered with an ass...

It was one of those exciting but awkward moments in my life. Just like that time I worked as a zookeeper at the San Diego zoo.

Zoo Manager: "Hey, Fob have you seen any of the gerbils? None of them are in their cage."
Fob: *farts in a squirrel noise* "Um... no, sir. Haven't seen 'em. Yeah..., I got to go." *waddles off with a tail sticking out my ass*

So we're there. In a foreign land, drunk and curious. Curious of this strange feeling we're both feeling. And at that moment, this force strangely draws us closer. Closer and closer... my expectations are out the door, I close my eyes to see what happens next...

When this ninja star hits me in the ass!!! The pain snaps me out of this weird daze. I turn to see a gang of ninjas standing their doing a cool-ninja guy pose. Apparently, it's on... I turn back to Jay and the weird tension is gone but he knows what I'm thinking...

Simultaneously we both say, "It's morphin' time!!!"


The end.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Brokeback Japan

What's with the not believing the fobby? I mean, would I lie to you?

I've been asked constantly what really happened in Japan. Apparently going on a vacation means you really left the states to go on a sex tour or to do some other crude sexual act involving a donkey, three chicks, and a banana. In any case, I've been asked to tell my version of Lost in Translation where I meet some hot chick in Japan and go galavanting across the nation, watching weird pedophile acts and eating sushi off naked women. Speaking of which, I tried that on Jwang but he stopped me when I confused his big ass nipples for California rolls...

Anyway, so here it is. The true story. A tale of two men... discovering themselves... discovering each other... and of course, NINJAS!!!! Dim the lights! Brokeback Japan is playing...


Hours on hours passed as we sat there in our tiny spaces. The plane ride was long. Long like a black man in heat. And to be confined to these small little bitch seats in coach, it made the time pass by oh so painfully. But I guess that's just part of our added discomfort. "Thank you for flying back of the bus airlines..." That's probably why they sit the first and business class people first, and then let the coach suckers walk past them so as to give them something to laugh at. Those bastards...

Jwang noticed my uneasiness. But I can tell by his head wobble and mouth breathing face he was about ready to pass out. Those big dick sucking lips unable to close shut, his eyes glaze over and he's out like a whore who forgot to pay her pimp. He moves back and forth a bit unconsciously and finally his head comes to a resting spot on my shoulder. And I think, "WTF? Does Fobby have to choke a bitch? Get the hell off me!" But I look at him in all his calmness. His face... like a baby's butt. His hair pricking me in the neck. For some reason I enjoyed it, so I let him sleep there pressed against me which ended up being the rest of the flight.

Hours later, eventually we arrive at our hotel in Kyoto...

(to be continued...)

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

The Question of the Day

"So did she touch it?"

Maybe not all asked in those words. Others asked...

"Did you get massagy?"
"Did you hit?"
"Was she legal?"
"So did you pick up or just pay for it?"
"Anyone sit on your face?"

But in some form or another that's all I've been asked today. Yeah, the people who've read my blog can easily come to that conclusion because last I wrote, I talked about my friend getting sucky yakky in Japan. But not once did I ever say I was going there for Jap poon. If I wanted asian ass I would have gone to Thailand. And that's not until next year.

But I'm insulted you all think I'm a dirty whore. Yeah, I've done my share of hideous beasts, but that's not what I'm all about. Is it not possible that I went on vacation just to go on a vacation? So what, if I went to Japan and saw many J-pop girls who would get it right on their foreheads. Does that automatically mean I slept with some of them?

There are other things in life more important than doing hot little asian girls with jacked up teeth. Things like... um... well I can't think of anything right now. But I'm sure they're out there.

So please don't assume I'm a man slut. Unless of course you've seen it with your own eyes. Then yeah, I guess I can't lie to you. But everyone else, DON'T ASSUME!