Monday, July 31, 2006

What the hell was that?

It's a given that if you live in California you spend a good amount time driving in your automobile. And the more you drive, the more crap you see. For example, I never thought I'd see one car physically on top of another. But then what do you know?!?! There it is on the 105. A mean accident with a big ass truck crushing a tiny Corolla. Crap like that doesn't surprise me anymore. I wouldn't even think twice if something similar happened.

But every so often I come across weird Twilight Zone instances where I'm driving late at night and am not to sure of what I just drove by and saw. I mean, it is me after all. I never sleep enough. I drink too much. And I know the truth. I'm Asian. That lowers my credibility enough right there. By default I don't belong on the road anyway.

Anyway, so here I am on my regular Sunday night drive back to my place from my parents being like every other commuter. And just as I said, I've seen, ran over, dodged, or hit almost everything. Possums, cats, babies... You name it. It's been under my tires.

Until the 60 to 605 interchange comes up. I'm on the curve driving relatively sane when I quickly have to swerve out of the way because of some object that if my eyes didn't deceive me, looked something like a wheel barrel filled with hay. I thought to myself, "Nah, that couldn't be. You only find that shit on farms." And as I proceed further down the freeway, I see four guys jump out of the back of a beat down pick up truck wearing overalls, looking very well corn fed, start to run back for their missing wheel barrel.

Well what do you know! Now that's just damn weird. For here at least. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you never know what you're going to see when you drive in California. I would have preferred seeing a big busty lady jump out of a Mini Cooper with 12 clowns doing cartwheels. But you know, we don't pick the weird shit that happens to us.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

I sure do know a lot of dick

Fob: "Hey fellas, bukake anyone?
Friend: "But don't we need at least one chick?"
Fob: "Ah crap! Well I was the chick last time..."

Just like a successful movie, my roommates and I tried to follow up our last party with a sequel this past weekend. But like most sequels, it just wasn't as good as the first. Why? Well, I contribute it to two things.

1. L.A. is having end of the world weather. Now I've been living here in this smoggy, over-crowded, usually dry heat city for my whole life. And never have I experienced this kind of humidity, seen thunder and lightning storms, and poured rain in 85 degree weather. Basically, it was hot as hell. You couldn't be inside my house and not have your nuts sweat glued to your legs. It's just not pleasant. So most of the people who came loitered outside.

2. And the second reason, most of the people attending this time around were my friends. Which is to say I sure do know a lot of dick. But don't get me wrong. These guys are my friends. And we kick it sometimes having no problem with the sword fight get-togethers. But this party was the Braveheart battle of sword fights. There was so much sausage in my house I thought we were in Germany, minus Heidi Klum.

So the result. A bunch of hot sweaty men drinking and being jolly in tropical storm weather. Hallelujah, it's raining men! Hallelujah!

Friday, July 14, 2006

Caught In A Net

"I got caught in a net..."

If you're a fan of "Lost" then you'll know what I'm talking about. And sadly, this time I'm not talking about myself. It just so happens 75% of the residents I live with have been caught in a net in the past 24 hours.

Am I bitter? Not really. It's nice to hear my roommates are doing well. And it's not that I'm listening. Believe me, my radio is up all the way to avoid hearing something I shouldn't. But should I be bitter? Probably so... The drought that's been going on in my life is not due to environmental factors or a lack in ability. I'd say it's more a choice in allocating funds. Being, I have no funds so I can only spend on crap I need. And right now, I'm just not hurting for it.

But who knows. Maybe the adult sound show constantly going on in my household will change my needs. Getting caught in a net may be more important... than say... food.

Fob: "Man, I'm so hungry..."
Fob's Penis: "Dude, so am I..."
Fob: "Lets get something to eat. Burgers?"
Fob's Penis: "Nah... I was thinking some cat fish..."

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Winner: Tequila

It's been a while since I went heads up against alcohol, well, maybe not for you readers. You can probably scroll back a blog or two and find me bitching and whining about how I'm going to give up the sauce and commit my life to the starving children of the world, or maybe something more selfish like masturbate 24/7. But anyway, for me, it's been a long while since I've gotten my ass kicked this bad by the bottle.

This past weekend was extra special because it was four days long due to the American Rebellion, or Independence Day depending on who's side you're on. Thankfully I got some much needed time off from the grind to do what? How do I celebrate? By throwing up all over my house.

I come back to the Hate to find the guys prepping to pass out. There on the table sits two lovely bottles of Tequila 1800. I think to myself, "Alright. I'm officially on vacation. I can have a couple of shots."

Later that night, we're two bottles deep and I'm starting to run my mouth saying things that wouldn't make sense to a sober person when another buddy of mine shows up with a new bottle of Tequila. By this point, it would have been smart for me to go home because God knows I won't refuse more alcohol. I continue to take more shots yelling things most people wouldn't put up with, slapping my friends and calling them my bitches, and spilling my beer chaser then saying, "Hey asshole stop moving the ground! You keep spilling my drink. Now pour me, you piece of hate!"

And just like every other night like this, I can't say I remember the rest. But my butt wasn't violated and I still had some money in my wallet so it couldn't have been that bad. Violating wise... As for health wise, I don't think I've thrown up as much as I did since I was 21. I threw up in the kitchen sink, the shower, the toilet, the bathroom sink, three different trash cans, and a little spray on the floor to where I found myself the next morning.

It was terrible. And I felt like absolute shit. Not only was my head pounding but my innards which were strategically thrown up throughout my house made it smell like a dirty sock dipped in year old blue cheese. It was nasty.

So the lesson today children is... um... You know I can't say anything and really mean it. Well, I guess, drink on! Just don't throw up so much. And be careful when taking on Tequila. Easy huh?